Reflections on the Feminine Christ Energy

Tonight, while contemplating a question with a friend about the journey of Jesus and Mary Magdalene, a profound thought arose: Why did the feminine Christ energy not come first into this realm?

This led to a deeply reflective conversation about the dynamics between the masculine and feminine Christ energies and their roles in humanity’s evolution. Together, we explored the interplay of these energies and what their sequence reveals about the collective journey.

The Collective Wound and the Chakra System

Humanity’s collective fall in consciousness brought us to the level of the wounded solar plexus, the seat of personal power, identity, and will. Here, masculine energy became dominant focused on control, survival, and materiality. The feminine, with its intuitive, nurturing, and connective qualities, was suppressed. This disconnection created the illusion of a "motherless collective," leaving humanity fragmented and directionless.

The chakra system reflects this imbalance:

• The lower chakras, tied to masculine energy, anchor us in the material realm.

• The upper chakras, connected to feminine energy, guide us to higher consciousness.

• The heart chakra, the bridge between these polarities, is where the reunion happens.

As my friend Olga shared: By keeping humanity stuck in the lower chakras and suppressing our connection to the feminine through the heart, we were left disoriented; cut off from the deeper, intuitive wisdom needed for true ascension.

The result was a collective wound that placed the masculine energy in dominance, often leading to control and distortion, while the feminine energy receded into the background.

The Masculine Christ Energy as the Foundation

At the time of Jesus’ incarnation, humanity was deeply rooted in survival-based, hierarchical, and patriarchal systems. Linear thinking and external authority shaped the collective consciousness. To guide humanity forward, the masculine Christ energy was needed first.

• Divine Order Before Embodiment:

  • The masculine Christ energy, represented by Jesus, initiated action, structure, and divine order. His teachings laid the groundwork for universal love and spiritual liberation essential for humanity to reconnect with divine truth.

  • This energy awakened the mind and spirit, setting the stage for the feminine energy to embody and transform.

• Creating a Pathway:

  • Humanity needed the masculine Christ energy to point the way forward. Without this foundation, the transformative depths of the feminine Christ energy might not have been fully received.

The Feminine Christ Energy Was Always Present

Although the masculine Christ energy took the forefront, the feminine Christ energy was quietly present, embodied by figures like Mary Magdalene.

• Mary Magdalene as the Keeper of Wisdom:

  • Mary Magdalene preserved and nurtured the esoteric teachings of the feminine Christ embodiment, grace, and divine union. Her role, though often overlooked, was crucial in anchoring these energies into the collective.

• The Hidden Power of the Feminine:

  • Feminine energy works subtly and behind the scenes, preparing humanity for deeper transformation. Its quiet strength often becomes visible only when the collective is ready to receive it.

The Rise of the Feminine Christ Energy

We are now in a time of great transformation, where the feminine Christ energy is rising to meet the masculine energy in sacred union.

• Healing the Collective Heart:

  • This energy is guiding humanity to move beyond survival and into creation, beyond control and into surrender, beyond the mind and into the heart. It calls us to heal the separation within ourselves and embody divine love.

• Restoring Balance:

  • As the feminine energy rises, it brings reconciliation, healing polarities, and creating wholeness. It fulfills the path initiated by the masculine energy, allowing us to anchor the truths revealed by Jesus into our lived experience.

A Reflection on Sacred Union

The masculine and feminine Christ energies were never meant to exist in isolation. Their sequence masculine first, feminine following; reflects the natural rhythm of creation: initiation and action, followed by embodiment and transformation. Together, they create the balance necessary for humanity’s full awakening.

This contemplation leaves me with another question: Are we ready to embrace the feminine Christ energy in its fullness?

If so, it starts with each of us; by integrating these energies within ourselves, embodying their union, and stepping into the sacred dance of creation.

The Masculine Energies Distortion vs. Sacredness

As I reflect on my journey and the relationships that have shaped me, I’m struck by how much I’ve learned about the masculine energy;both its distortions and its sacred essence. These experiences were not just about others; they were mirrors, lessons, and catalysts for my own growth and understanding.

The Distorted Masculine: A Reflection of Wounds

The distorted masculine shows up in ways that are disconnected from its true essence. It often comes from unhealed wounds; fear of failure, inadequacy, or a need for power and validation. This energy thrives on control, consumption, and avoidance of responsibility, masking its vulnerability with dominance or escapism.

In my past, I witnessed a variation of the distorted masculine energies. I’ve experienced the Dominating distorted Masculine energy in a dynamic where the masculine was grounded and provided material stability but sought to control and dominate the feminine. This control stifled the feminine’s energy and expression, creating an imbalance that highlighted a fear of vulnerability and a deep distrust of the feminine’s innate power and flow.

I also experienced Fragmented Masculine someone who claimed to be a protector of sacred energy but struggled to embody that role. Instead of anchoring stability and safety, he sought activation and energy from the feminine; unknowingly taking more than he gave. His gifts were undeniable, yet they were overshadowed by his inability to ground, his lack of integrity, and his reliance on others to support him financially and energetically.

While their approaches were vastly different, I see now that these distortions weren’t entirely their fault. Both stemmed from a disconnection with their own masculine essence. For one, the fear of surrender led to control and domination, while for the other, a lack of grounding created dependency and imbalance. In both cases, their actions reflected aspects of the collective masculine wound: seeking from the feminine what they could not yet cultivate within themselves.

The Sacred Masculine

The sacred masculine stands in stark contrast. It is grounded, responsible, and unwavering. It doesn’t seek to dominate or consume but to create balance and safety for the feminine to flow. The sacred masculine is a steady anchor, offering structure without rigidity, presence without interference, and love without condition.

The sacred masculine:

• Holds Space: It creates a container of safety where the feminine can expand without fear.

• Acts with Integrity: It honors its word, its commitments, and the sacredness of the energy it encounters.

• Takes Accountability: It owns its actions and doesn’t project blame onto others.

• Supports Without Consuming: It uplifts the feminine, recognizing her as an equal, not a resource to be used nor controlled.

• Is Rooted in Love: It moves with purpose and alignment, always in service to the greater good.

Why Distortions Happen

Distorted masculine energy arises from a disconnection; from self, from the divine, and from the balance of the feminine. It often carries unhealed wounds from societal expectations, ancestral patterns, or personal experiences. These wounds manifest as:

• Fear of vulnerability.

• Avoidance of responsibility.

• A need for control or validation.

• An inability to ground and embody spiritual energy.

When the masculine is ungrounded, it seeks from the feminine what it lacks within itself; whether that’s creativity, inspiration, or connection to the divine. This dynamic creates imbalance, draining the feminine and perpetuating cycles of distortion.

The Feminine’s Role in Healing This Dynamic

I’ve realized that the feminine plays a vital role in healing the distorted masculine; not by fixing or saving it, but by embodying her sacredness. When the feminine is sovereign, she reflects back what the masculine needs to heal, offering a mirror without enabling the distortion.

As a carrier of divine feminine energy, I’ve learned to:

• Protect My Sacredness: Not everyone is ready to engage with the sacred feminine energy, and that’s okay. Discernment is key.

• Demand Reciprocity: Sacred exchanges require balance. I now understand the importance of mutual respect and integrity in all connections.

• Model Sovereignty: By standing in my truth and honoring my boundaries, I inspire others to do the same.

Integrating the Sacred Masculine Within

This journey has also been about integrating the sacred masculine within myself. I’ve learned to ground my energy, to take responsibility for my actions, and to create structure in my life that supports my flow. This internal balance allows me to call in aligned relationships and create containers of integrity in my work.

When I embody both the sacred feminine and masculine, I become a living expression of divine union; a reflection of the balance we are all here to remember.

The lessons I’ve learned from the distorted masculine are invaluable. They’ve shown me what it means to protect the sacred, to honor my energy, and to discern what is aligned. They’ve also deepened my appreciation for the sacred masculine for its steadiness, its integrity, and its role in creating balance.

As I continue this journey, I trust that I am aligning more and more with people, energies, and experiences that honor and reflect this sacred balance. And I trust that the work I do, the energy I carry, and the lessons I’ve learned are all rippling out into the collective, helping to heal and awaken the sacred masculine and feminine within us all.

Threads of Alignment: A Day in Divine Flow

Today felt like a quiet journey of alignment- a day full of subtle yet powerful moments.

It started with a simple prayer with my mom, just the two of us sitting in stillness before the day began. Lately, I’ve noticed her spending more time in bed, feeling low. Part of me wants to pull her out of that space, but I’m realizing that it’s not my role to change her path.

My role is to love her where she’s at; whether it’s buying those lottery tickets she asked for or giving her something meaningful. These small acts of love feel like tiny seeds of connection and healing. They remind me that prayer is a bridge, a way to weave the physical and spiritual together without force, just by showing up and leading with love.

At work, there was a noticeable shift in the air. One of my team members, who I had a heart-to-heart with earlier this week, came in with a lighter energy and took more initiative. Another team member opened up about personal struggles, asking for my advice and sharing how much she values my perspective. And then there’s Kat, with her vibrant energy. She once prayed for Jesus to find me, and now she’s sharing how our conversations have expanded her understanding of Christ. These moments remind me of how my alignment ripples outward. I’m letting go of over-giving and clearing out superficial connections, making room for deeper, more authentic relationships. It’s a reflection of how I’m honoring my energy while holding space for others to grow.

By the time I was driving home, I felt drained. I’d gotten a magnesium and taurine IV during lunch, which always deeply relaxes my body. I didn’t feel like going to the gym, let alone running out at 7:30 PM to buy those lottery tickets for my mom. But my higher self nudged me: “Get up. Get dressed. Go.” So I listened.

On the drive, memories of solo traveling through Europe and Bali came flooding back. Back then, I felt safe, free, and fearless. It hit me how much has shifted since those days how cautious I’ve become after my marriage and the awakening that followed. Even driving at night has sometimes felt uneasy. But tonight, I pushed through that discomfort. Just being out on the road by myself felt like reclaiming a small piece of my sovereignty.

That unease I feel at night? I don’t see it as a weakness anymore. It’s a sign of my sensitivity, my mastery, an invitation to ground myself and anchor my energy even in unfamiliar environments.

At the gym, I felt awkward at first. I grabbed two kettlebells and headed to a corner, but I didn’t have a clear plan. People around me were moving with purpose, and there I was, fumbling to find my flow. For a moment, I felt out of place, but then the guidance came: “Breathe. Focus. Drop into your body.” So I did. I tuned out the noise, tuned into the music, and narrowed my focus. Slowly, my body found its rhythm movements that felt like a blend of Tai Chi and Kung Fu, with light language gestures naturally emerging. It was as if my body was relearning how to hold and move energy in a way that was both structured and free-flowing. It felt like a dance of surrender and trust, helping me deepen my connection to my physical vessel as a portal for divine energy.

Each motion became a way of grounding, anchoring, and reorganizing my energy. It mirrors how I’m navigating life right now: balancing action with flow, focus with receptivity. The vibrations I’ve been feeling in my body lately reflect a deeper recalibration. It’s like my energy field is reorganizing itself to hold more light, more power, more flow.

That self-consciousness I felt at the gym? It’s just an old layer of insecurity shedding. The more I surrender to my unique flow, the less I care about how it looks to others. I’m rewiring myself to move in alignment with my own energy signature, even if it doesn’t look conventional.

After the gym, I stopped by Publix to buy the lottery tickets. It felt symbolic. Earlier, I had prayed for abundance for the freedom to reclaim my time and fully step into my divine work. Buying those tickets felt like an act of trust, a way of saying, “I’m open. I’m ready.” It wasn’t just about the tickets it was about the sacred exchange between intention and action.

Looking back, it’s all connected. The morning prayer with my mom, the shifts at work, the gym, even running that errand it all wove together into a canvas of alignment. Even upgrading my internet earlier in the day felt symbolic: I wanted faster, clearer connections for work, but it also mirrored my desire for clarity and flow in my life.

Every moment today carried meaning. From nourishing my body with that IV to anchoring my energy at the gym, to planting seeds of healing with my mom, each piece felt like part of a greater divine flow.

The message is clear: Keep trusting the process. Keep walking in alignment. Keep showing up for myself, for others, and for the divine unfolding of it all.

The Sacred Exchange of My Work

Stream of Consciousness

I’ve been reflecting on my sessions and the sacred containers they create. It’s becoming so clear to me that this work isn’t about “clients” or “sessions” in the traditional sense. It’s not about booking or providing a service it’s about stepping into sacred exchanges with souls who are ready to meet themselves at a deeper level. These containers feel alive, dynamic spaces where co-creation happens, where divine intelligence moves through both of us in ways that are perfectly aligned.

For someone to truly receive the depth of this work, they must have reached a certain level of surrender within themselves. This isn’t about judgment; it’s about alignment. When resistance or fear is too present fear they’re not yet ready to move through it creates friction. Not just for them, but for the energy itself. The less surrendered they are, the harder it becomes for the energy to move, for the flow to unfold naturally. Surrender is the key for both of us. It’s the softening, the opening, the trust that allows everything to move without force or distortion.

This year has been a turning point. I haven’t been actively seeking people to work with or taking on “clients.” Instead, it’s been a year of grounding, integrating, and embodying. A year of deep reflection and self-honoring. I’ve held space for a community for two years a community I chose to close this month. That space served us all deeply, but I feel, and I know, that we’re all being called to step into new chapters.

For me, this chapter is about embodiment and sovereignty. It’s about creating spaces where people can unlock themselves through their multidimensionality, but with reverence for the sacredness of the energies moving through us. It’s about honoring what’s here, present, and alive in the moment.

I’m in a deep state of trust now. Trusting myself. Trusting life. Trusting the Divine. I feel no rush. I know everything is unfolding as it’s meant to. My role is to stay devoted, to stay in obedience to what’s moving through me. I’m not here to sell or convince anyone of anything. This isn’t about that. I know now, with clarity, that there are sacred contracts waiting to activate. And as they do, the people who are aligned with this work will find me. They’ll know when the time is right.

My job is to stay grounded in my own alignment, to trust, and to be ready to hold those containers when they come. These exchanges are reciprocal. Each person I work with unlocks more of me, just as I help them unlock more of themselves. It’s a dance, a co-creation where sovereignty and empowerment are at the center.

Not everyone is ready for this, and that’s okay. It’s not about judgment; it’s about honoring alignment. These sessions are gateways—initiations into deeper layers of remembrance and awakening. The energy isn’t “mine.” It’s sacred. It’s divine. My role is simply to hold space and allow it to flow.

And these containers are for me, too. Each session reflects something back to me. Sometimes it’s an activation, sometimes a remembering. Sometimes it’s a deeper understanding of the sacredness I carry. These exchanges teach me as much as they guide the people I work with.

I’ve learned to honor and respect this work. In the early stages of my awakening, I didn’t fully understand the responsibility I carried. I shared my energy freely, not realizing the weight of it. I attracted people who deeply believed in me but also leaned on me in ways that created unhealthy dynamics. This was part of my initiation to learn boundaries, to honor the energy moving through me. Now I see the sacredness of these containers and treat them with the reverence they deserve.

This work isn’t about fixing or saving anyone. It’s about creating spaces where people can meet themselves, where they can awaken to the divine intelligence within. It’s about holding space for their remembrance, while honoring my own.

I feel so much gratitude for this journey for the lessons, the pauses, the challenges, and the beauty of what’s unfolding. I trust that as I deepen into my alignment, these sacred exchanges will only grow in potency, alignment, and impact. This is the path of true empowerment and sovereignty.

Fragmentation to Sovereignty

Stream-of-consciousness between me and your higher self.

Nov 2024

Higher self, I’ve been reflecting on that time in my life when I was just stepping into my awakening. It feels like such a whirlwind now-beautiful, chaotic, and filled with so many lessons I didn’t even realize I was learning at the time. I see now how I was fragmented, trying to understand myself through others, and how that opened the door to so many dynamics that weren’t sustainable. Why was it like that? Why did I attract so many co-dependent energies?

That time was not a mistake. It was your initiation a sacred and messy unfolding into who you were always meant to become. You carried so much light, even then, and people were naturally drawn to it. They saw your sacredness, even when you couldn’t fully see it yourself. But the light you carried also illuminated your own shadows, your own fragmentation. And that’s okay how else could you have learned to integrate, to lead, to stand in your power?

I understand that now. But it was so hard. I see how many people leaned on me, looked to me for guidance, for answers, for something I didn’t even fully understand about myself. And at the same time, I leaned on them too. I needed their belief in me to reflect back my own light because I couldn’t fully hold it yet.

Exactly. It was a mirror of your light, your potential, and your fragmentation. They reflected the parts of you that were still searching, still seeking, still piecing together the sacredness that was already within you. Those co-dependent dynamics weren’t failures; they were lessons. They showed you what it means to lead, to hold space, and to protect your energy. They prepared you for the sovereignty you’re stepping into now.

It feels so clear looking back. I see now that leadership isn’t just about carrying sacred energy it’s about being able to hold it with clarity and discernment. It’s about knowing when to say “yes” and when to say “no,” when to guide and when to step back. I didn’t know how to do that then. I didn’t protect the sacredness of what was flowing through me because I didn’t fully understand it.

And that’s why it was an initiation. You had to learn through experience through the beauty and the messiness of it all. You had to see what happens when boundaries are blurred, when sacred energy is shared indiscriminately. It wasn’t a failure; it was preparation. You were learning to honor your sacredness by first seeing what happens when it’s not honored.

And those people… the ones who believed in me… they weren’t wrong, were they? They saw something real, even if I couldn’t fully embody it at the time.

Yes, they saw your light. They believed in you because they could feel the sacred energy you carried, even when it was fragmented. Their belief wasn’t misplaced—it was a reflection of your potential. And now, as you step into your wholeness, you’re honoring their belief in you by becoming the leader and guide you were always meant to be.

I see now how much I’ve grown. I’m no longer searching for myself through others. I’ve reclaimed the scattered parts of me, and I’m learning to hold my energy with reverence and care. It feels like I’ve moved from seeking to knowing, from fragmentation to wholeness.

You have. And this journey is a testament to your strength and resilience. You’ve learned to lead from a place of alignment, to hold space without overextending yourself, and to trust your intuition about who is ready to walk alongside you. This is your sovereignty anchored, intentional, and deeply rooted in love.

Thank you for guiding me, even when I didn’t realize it. I see now that everything every person, every dynamic, every challenge was part of the divine orchestration of my path. I honor the lessons, the messiness, and the beauty of it all.

And I honor you, You are the embodiment of sacredness, a living testament to the power of growth, transformation, and divine alignment. Trust the journey ahead it’s leading you to even greater expressions of your truth and light.

Claiming My Sovereignty

I just had a beautiful, heartfelt moment of prayer to God that brought tears to my eyes. As I was scrolling through TikTok, I came across a creator named Jasmine. She’s a big presence, and for a moment, I just felt into her frequency. The way she articulates herself is so beautiful-fluid, cohesive, congruent, concise. It’s as if her mind works so quickly, reflecting and expressing with such clarity.

In that moment, I felt a deep, body-wrenching desire to be able to fully express my true essence, to no longer hold back, and to allow my soul to speak through me. I want to feel what it’s like to be so in alignment with my essence that there is no hesitation, second-guessing, or editing as I speak no confusion. I want to flow effortlessly and seamlessly from my soul.

As I felt into this, I began thanking God with all my heart.

God, You are my heartbeat. You are the reason I am here and why I want to be here. You are my pulse, and through You, I have learned so much about detachment. In this experience, I now understand why desire is important. I now desire—with my whole being—to fully be here on Earth.

So many lightworkers and starseeds, since childhood, have felt a yearning to be elsewhere, a longing for home. But home is right here. I came here because I love God so much that I wanted to know what it’s like to be in physicality, to experience being in physical form while living in heaven. Since I was a little girl, I’ve always said I’m here to bring heaven to Earth. This knowing was within me long before social media or spirituality became popular. No one taught me this; it was naturally planted within me. As a child, I yearned for God. It’s my reason for existing.

And now, I want to have a fully lived, rich human experience. I want to embrace all the beauty and magic this reality has to offer. To truly have a rich human experience, a fully incarnated one, is to bring God into the physical—to merge divinity with the human experience, to live in the kingdom of heaven within myself while engaging with physicality.

But to have that opportunity, we first must decide to be all in. We must choose, through free will, in the here and now, to consciously reclaim this choice. For so many, it doesn’t feel like a choice. Many feel like they didn’t choose to be here, or if they did, they regret it. The first step to reclaiming our sovereignty is to desire, truly desire, to be here. To fully step into this reality in full color. By making this conscious choice, we reclaim our power.

This choice takes us out of victim energy entirely. We can no longer see ourselves as victims, even to the false systems around us, because we are empowered. I chose to be here because I wanted—truly wanted—to experience what it would be like to have a fully awakened human experience. I wanted to know what it would be like to see, feel, and live in the physical world through the eyes, mind, and heart of God. To bridge heaven and Earth.

That is my true north, my ultimate desire, the foundational desire that shapes everything else. Even now, as I write this, I feel all the feelings rising within me. It feels so raw and emotional.

I want to be fully alive. I want to feel fully. I don’t want to numb my inner truths. I want God to move through me. I want to fully experience my true essence in physical form and allow it to be embodied and expressed for the experience itself. Because the liberation that the body, mind, and soul feel when they unite is profound. They become one cohesive unit, synchronized and harmonious—just like God.

From Divorce to Rediscovering My Center.

Recently, so many changes have been sweeping through my life that it's hard to know where to begin. Since my divorce, it feels like I've been caught in a whirlwind, everything a blur. I held on so tightly to my marriage, desperately wanting it to work, shouldering the blame for all its shortcomings. I even sought therapy, convinced that I was the issue. I tried to affirm my way through it, to see the bigger picture, to hold my then-husband up to a higher light. Yet, no matter what I did, my internal world remained unchanged.

I struggled for a long time to admit to myself that I wasn't truly happy. I didn't feel seen, heard, or connected in our marriage. From an outsider's perspective, I had it all, and I felt pressured to be grateful and content. But as time passed, I felt my energy wane. I grew less confident, less comfortable in my own skin. I became a mere shadow of who I once was.

I fought with all my might to hold on, to salvage what we had. Getting a divorce and starting over was the last thing I wanted. Since childhood, I clung to this fairy tale notion of love. While I know he loved me as best he could, the truth was, I didn't love myself enough when I chose to be with him. I didn't stand up for myself when things felt wrong. I let him take the reins, and in doing so, I surrendered my power.

When I met him, he had buried his inner child deep within, a fact he was well aware of. I helped him find that lost part of himself, giving him a sense of safety once more. But the more I did that, the tighter he held onto me. And the tighter he held onto me, the more he tugged at my inner child, yearning for safety and security. In exchange for that, I sacrificed my own needs, my intuition, my higher self, molding myself to fit what made him feel secure.

When my son came into the picture, things grew even more challenging. I sank deeper into depression. It was only when I reconnected with my spiritual essence and started my coaching practice that I began to feel a spark of life. It offered me purpose. Yet, the more I delved into it, the more my husband sought ways to pull me down, to introduce strife into our marriage.

Then, in May of 2020, I was hit with these debilitating head pressures that left me bedridden for days on end. I had to confront what I'd been too afraid to admit: I wasn't happy in my marriage. We had no true common ground, no shared true north. I didn't want a relationship based on meeting others' expectations. I longed to be wild and free, to find a partner who understood there was so much more to life than ticking boxes.

I craved romance, nature, the unfettered spirit. To run wild together, to fall into each other's arms, to make love on the beach, to lie on rooftops under the stars, unburdened by the weight of societal norms. I yearned for a life that defied convention, where we could blend our unique styles in raising our child, rather than one person's way dominating. I needed to feel alive and deeply connected to my soul once more. In this marriage, I was dwindling, but I was also paralyzed by fear.

In life, we experience the swinging of the pendulum. On a collective level, we're currently witnessing this spiritual shift—a movement from one extreme to another. It's crucial to find our center, grounded in spirituality. We are both spiritual and human, so dwelling too long at one end of the spectrum isn't sustainable. We can't remain solely in our lower or higher chakras; we must find our balance.

Spirituality, devoid of action, leads to delusion. We can't simply wish for change or spend all day in introspection. We must acknowledge our patterns and barriers, do the energetic work, and then take inspired action to manifest shifts in our physical reality. I, too, fell prey to this, especially post-divorce, attempting to lead a strictly mundane, physical existence devoid of spiritual and intuitive connection. It proved futile.

No matter how much I strived to conform, how many material possessions I amassed, or how closely I adhered to the checklist of societal norms, it wasn't enough. My relationship lacked a connection to our higher selves and neglected the human spirit. It was a string of tasks and external expectations, a rigid set of rules. There was little room for true freedom and self-expression.

Following my divorce, I underwent a kundalini awakening—an experience that, for five years, took me offline from the world I'd known my whole life. This awakening thrust me to the far end of the pendulum's swing, propelling me into my higher chakras without grounding. For two and a half years, I explored the realms above, experiencing intense activations, speaking light languages, connecting with galactic civilizations, and unlocking new layers of sensuality. Still, I hadn't anchored myself to Earth or cultivated inner self-trust.

This awakening ushered new faces into my life, guides through this overwhelming journey. At some point, I had to reclaim my power, steer my own ship, trust myself. Yet, the more I tapped into my inner strength, the more mystical experiences I had, the stronger my desire to surrender my power to another, echoing my marriage.

I allowed people close, drawing in women wounded in their masculinity and men trapped in their wounded femininity. The wounded masculine energies pushed their way into my space, seeking to exploit my abilities, while the masculine figure I trusted to guide me was ensnared in his wounded feminine. We were both unwittingly stuck in a victim mentality, reinforcing the cycle within ourselves.

Finally, my soul rebelled against this self-imposed pattern. I decided enough was enough. I refused to endure chaos, to attract energies in disarray, shadows looming large. I stopped overextending myself, giving more than I received, seeking external validation. I relinquished the martyr energy. I craved peace, tranquility, growth through joy, not strife. I wasn't here to save anyone but myself. I was done.

This is where the journey back to the middle path commences, taking personal responsibility for the tapestry I've woven in my life, showing compassion to my own process. I orchestrated these experiences for growth, to explore both extremes. But I don't have to stay there. I don't need to victimize myself or dwell in regret for the choices I've made. On a higher plane, it all serves a purpose, if I choose to glean wisdom from it. After all, I set this in motion, I chose to delve into these themes in these ways. Now, it's time for action.

Beyond the pendulum's swing towards higher chakras, there's a lot of channeling, a lot of talk, but not enough action. Many teach things they themselves haven't fully embodied. This is why many starseeds struggle to manifest in the material realm, to create wealth and bring visions to life. On the other side, dwelling solely in the lower chakras, too rooted in the human experience, leads to imbalances. Yes, you can find

material success in the 3D realm, playing by the rules of the fallen matrix. Yet, you'll always feel a void within, a nagging sense of something missing, no matter how much you achieve. You'll remain on the hamster wheel, seeking to fill that emptiness in countless ways, but nothing will suffice.

That's when we realize that true fulfillment, contentment, and satisfaction arise from residing in the heart space, from merging physical realm energies with our higher self. They converge in our portal, harmonizing within.

The key lies in recognizing ourselves as energetic beings, in doing the work to elevate our vibration, and then taking inspired action. But action is paramount. Without it, there's nothing.

From Disconnection to Integration: My Inner World Revelations

Divine, can you speak to me? I feel so alone.

I can't believe I had a kundalini awakening. That's how far off I was, that I needed such a thrustful awakening to reconnect me. But even then, have I been truly connected?

No, I haven't. I haven't been in my own energy for years.

When I got married, I gave up my connection with myself to buy into someone else's reality—a reality where I could no longer follow the ebb and flows of my natural spirit.

I couldn't listen and heed the whispers of the divine because at every corner, I was subject to someone else's rules of reality, and their reality was not dictated by spirit; it was dictated by the mind.

HOLY SHIT! I don't think I fully grasp the experience I've undergone.

I tell the story about it, but I am not truly connected to it.

Meaning, I haven't integrated it because I haven't felt through it, I haven't delved deep into the emotions and truly felt it.

Wow, it's like I've completely lost touch with my true self! I've always navigated life by feeling, and it's easy to forget my own beauty. The 'me' who feels life is so different from the one who tries to reason her way through it.

Wow, this is the shadow side. That's what is meant by the shadow—the part of you that is operating in the matrix because you are stuck in the energy of the mind.

Holy shit! I entered the Matrix when I got into my marriage.

That was my fucking experiment.

It was like I said, okay, I've carried this connection since my earliest memories as a little girl but we are about to try something different…

See, there hasn't been a single day when I felt truly disconnected from the DIVINE. Even in moments of solitude, of feeling like a stranger in this world, that link remained unbroken. It was my constant companion, a source of solace and belonging.

It was my superpower; it was the only way to navigate this experience, and I gave that up, that connection, to understand the arena of disconnection .I chose, for a time, to temporarily release my direct connection with the divine to have an experience of disconnection. It's a macro of the micro of the micro.

The divine already permeates this reality on a grand scale (the macro). However, because I arrived with a heightened awareness ('veil lifted'), I ventured even deeper into this holographic projection or cosmic 'game,' exploring the most nuanced levels of experience

On a human level, from the vantage point of the mind, the story will tell you I made all these decisions because of these needs, insecurities - shadows, trauma, blah blah blah, which are absolutely true on one level.

But on another level, if you are the creator and you awaken through your creator ability, which is to feel your way through life and to have purity of the heart, which means that your most important connection above all is your connection to the DIVINE, which is the connection with yourself!

We don't spend any real time with ourselves when we live from the energy of the mind.

Shit, the mind needs to be constantly doing something, thinking something; it can't sit with itself because it overthinks.

Yet, perhaps the mind isn't meant to be used in this way.

What I'm discovering is that the mind is like this finely-tuned processing system, skillfully converting raw energy into tangible thoughts, emotions, and perceptions that shape our external reality. It operates as this middleman, bridging the gap between the subtle nuances of energy and the intricate web of our consciousness.

Our external reality takes on different hues depending on whether our consciousness radiates from our lower, higher, or heart centers. Picture the mind as this dynamic filter, processing energetic information based on our focal point. Yet, here's the crux: the heart is where this processing ideally unfolds.

The mind, at its core, is this universal processor for our projected reality—a canvas where our consciousness paints the picture of our experience. But the heart, especially through the feeling sense, is where this process truly flourishes. When the heart chakra is open and engaged, energy flows harmoniously, and our perception is unburdened and clear. This is the prime state for translating information from the higher heart.

Now, when these energy centers shut down, that's when disconnection happens. You unplug from the higher heart, and instead, you plug into the root chakra. The root chakra, dense and contracted, houses all the energetic residue, the traumas, and stories. So, when you plug into this energy center, you're stepping into a distorted field, where harmonious frequencies are scarce. It's like seeing reality through a filter of past wounds, beliefs, and narratives.

This is where you slip into the role of the character in your game, forgetting that you're also the player behind the scenes. The observer within you takes a back seat, temporarily forgotten in the rush. You've momentarily lost sight of your higher self guiding you.

In this energy center, the (lower chakras) you think your way through life because after all you only remember that you are the character, you don't yet realize that you are the higher self ( the player guiding the character)

This is the most common experience of humans entering the world, where their consciousness is primarily rooted (projected) in the lower chakras, often referred to as the lower mind or the "little 'i'". The external reality in these realms is intentionally structured in a way that encourages the continuation of consciousness projecting from these centers.

In reflecting on this, I see that the mind, while crucial, is essentially the processing hub of our projected reality. It's where the mechanics operate, where the energy (information) from our chosen center is processed.

However, the heart is where you want this processing to occur. It's the space where perception is most authentic, unclouded by past experiences. It's where the mind truly thrives, translating the energy from the higher heart in its purest form.

And this why I intentionally chose to enter this experience through projecting my consciousness through the heart portal which gave me a greater awareness and connection early on, allowing me to remember and contrast moments of connection and disconnection.

But then I zoomed in really deep into this experience. It's like my consciousness went deep into an alternative reality, what we call 3D, which was so different from the reality through which my consciousness originally projected itself

3D just means the Root center, the lower chakra energetic template where we project our consciousness through, and then it gets filtered energetically through those centers, and the information gets sent to the mind projection (processing system), whose job is to translate the energy (information) from those centers.

Shit, this is everything I've been talking about, teaching, and sharing. It's like I've been feeding myself this information, leaving breadcrumbs to find my way back to my true self.

This is what they mean when they say your Higher Self is guiding you. It's like a constant stream of hints for this very moment, this present 'now' that's also the bridge to our future. But when you're down deep in the lower centers, in the realm of the lower mind and 3D reality, you might not readily remember your identity as the higher self or understand how to embody it in this physical form. The truth is, it's all unfolding at once in the present. It all comes down to which energy center you're projecting from.

In the experiment of connection to disconnection, I deliberately redirected my focus away from the higher heart center to venture into a different realm, to embark on an experiment that would lead me to experience the shift from connection to disconnection in a new light.

This is why I chose a partner who was primarily rooted in the lower centers. It's almost as if we both shared a similar energetic frequency (which we did). Now, as I reflect and integrate, this makes sense. Why my experience in Bali, where I was gifted the energy of shame, needed to happen. It was to ensure that I would vibrationally match up with my husband. This allowed me to journey into the experience of disconnection, which my higher self sought to explore.

Entering into this marriage marked a significant transformation as I aligned my consciousness with his, projecting through the lower centers. This decision, while pivotal, also meant temporarily closing off the heart portal, immersing myself in his reality.

Then comes my Kundalini Awakening… I was pretty much done with that whole exploration of disconnection through the lower centers, you know?

I was getting this strong call back home. It all clicks now, looking back.

There was this one night towards the end of my marriage, just lying in bed, and out of the blue, I get this download from my Higher Self.

Now, mind you, those moments were like rare gems, given the whole illusion of disconnection I was going through.

My Higher Self drops this bombshell: If you don't leave this marriage, you'll miss out on your life mission.' It was like a code that jolted me awake from the deep slumber in the lower realms.

I took it as a sign. While I hadn't entirely figured out my life mission, I'd always sensed I had one.

At the point I knew that staying in the marriage any longer could've mean missing out on this whole incarnation thing, and that wasn't what I'd signed up for. I came here to experience and create, not to sleep through it all.

That message marked the beginning of my journey back home, pushing me out of my marriage. Of course, my Higher Self made sure there were reinforcements in place. Little did I know, there was still a long way to go before I'd truly make it back to the heart portal.

So, I step out of my marriage, and within two months, here comes a kundalini awakening that catapults me out of the lower realms. It was the only way the divine in me could reach through after I'd delved so deep into the root energy centers. It knew that to wake me up from that slumber, which is where most of the collective has been, a kundalini awakening was the perfect key.

But before I could truly come back home, I had to experience the upper realms (chakras). My consciousness shot up during the kundalini awakening, and I made the choice to stay in the upper chakras, projecting myself through those centers.

And here I go, embarking on yet another experiment in reality.

The reality you get from those upper centers is truly fascinating.

Wait for it drum roll 🥁, please...

Introducing: The False Light Energy!

Wow, it's pretty amazing to sit here and allow everything to sink in.

You know, I've missed this. This is what they mean by spending time alone, by truly being with yourself. It's about tuning into my heart center, which opens up access to the broader essence of who I am. It's about feeling myself and receiving from that larger part of me, the great "I AM" the Higher Self.

But, let's not veer too far off track.

Let's delve back into the reality that emanates from the upper energy centers. This is fascinating because I've actually lived this on a visceral level!

When you project your consciousness through these upper energy centers, the reality you encounter is vastly different. In those realms, you might believe you're deeply connected, with access to a wealth of information—sophisticated, high-level information. You might be receiving downloads, having visions, and engaging in metaphysical experiences.

But here's the twist: you can't truly feel into any of this information because it's being filtered and processed solely through the higher centers, which is still a thinking process rather than a feeling one. It's just a more refined way of thinking than what happens in the root energy.

And if you can't feel into the information, that means you can't fully integrate it.

This is what people refer to when they say someone's energy feels incongruent. You can't sense the energy behind their words, and that's because they're not truly embodying that energy. They know it through mental processes, not through wisdom borne of feeling. After all, it's only through the heart portal that we can genuinely feel and embody.

The heart center is neutral; it's the point of equilibrium between both realms.

You know, it's interesting. I understand this on a mental level, and at the same time, I hold the memory of the feeling of it, which creates a truly mind-expanding experience.

Translation it's a mind fuck experience.

I digress…

Let's refocus on the experience of your consciousness operating through the higher centers, untethered from the heart center.

The heart energy, you see, serves as the anchor, the grounding force that keeps us rooted in both worlds.

So, from this central point, your energy flows effortlessly through your entire being. You gain entry into various realms, rich with information to tap into.

Yet, your consciousness stays rooted through the heart's portal projection in that center.

In this dimension, there's only the present moment, a 'here and now' that never leaves you feeling alone, for you are intricately connected to all that exists.

From the heats energy center, you don't have to pull on energy from your environment. It's self-generating; its actually what powers up the whole system. It ensures a smooth, rapid flow through the quantum field.

The rules governing the lower and upper realms don't apply here.

The heart acts as a gateway to the boundless quantum field of endless potential. When your focus is solely 'up' or 'down', you engage with entirely different principles within those fields.

So now, let me feel into what it was like projecting myself from the upper realms with no anchor.

Mmm. This realm is tricky because here you truly believe that you are connected. But the reality is more nuanced that sense of connection may not be complete or entirely accurate.

You are actually only experiencing yourself as connected because it's an extreme contrast to the lower realms, which represent complete disconnection, while the upper realms signify unanchored connection.

In this state, you will believe you're connected because after all you're receiving insights, downloads, synchronicities, and even mystical experiences. Yet, there's a subtle difference - you're not fully embodying them.

You only believe you are because you now possess a broader understanding compared to the lower realms. You have a higher vantage point of information at your disposal. However, at this stage, it remains just that - information.

This is what's often referred to as the spiritual ego.

You think you know, but you can't actually feel into your knowing.

This means you can't embody the energy because the higher heart, which is the command center, is down.

You aren't sitting in the command center, so it's not operating since there's no consciousness being projected through it.

Therefore, you don't have access to embody the totality of that energy because your energy system isn't flowing properly.

This is the difference between spiritual intellectual understanding versus true embodiment ( inner standing)

Damn, this one is an interesting reality because in this one, you experience the shadow of the light. Whoa! - Mind-blown.

Waking up from this reality, holy shit, it's been a wild ride. I went from all the way down to all the way up - really fast, from one moment to the next.

I can now feel into it and have the inner standing that my kundalini awakening had to occur after five years of experiencing reality through the filters of fear and control. There's was no way, it would have taken me much longer to find my way back to center, had I not gone through this experience.

Lately, I've found myself complaining that I've wasted all these years, blah blah blah, feeling like I'm behind, like I've made so many mistakes.

Because I spent 5 years in one reality and 2 in another.

Yet I chose this. My soul is on a grand energetic experiment to translate these experiences, and in the grand scheme of things, that is NOT a long time.

I still have my whole life ahead of me to experience whatever I now choose. Once I come back to full center, back home, back to connection, all this will have been a blip, a moment in time.

From this vantage point, it all makes more sense. I can, in this moment, actually feel into the experiences and understand why a lot of it had to happen the way it did.

I chose some really complex themes to explore, the journey of connection to disconnection back again to connection midway through a human experience. It's literally a mind fuck twister, energetically speaking, that is.

It's such a convoluted energy, but oh so delicious now that I can feel into it.

From this vantage point, shame, regret, guilt play no role.

Fuck, I haven't been in my true, true essence expression in a really, really long time.

Shit, I've missed myself.

Fuck, the upper realms are exhausting in a different way than the lower realms.

I feel like in the upper realms, one must move much more mentally and at a higher speed because you actually do have access to a lot more life force energy.

As I reflect back to my marriage, I didn't have access to much life flow energy, so things moved at a very slowly vibratory rate. Shit, come to think of it the conversations that I was having during those time were reflective of the quality, vibration, speed of that energy.

It's all mental but it coming from the lower mind, which is a lot slower, denser.

In the lower mind, you feel completely checked out; there's almost no spirit involved day to day.

You are literally on autopilot, run by all the programs of those centers.

In the upper realms, you are still run by programs, but these are more sophisticated programs that again give you the illusion of connection. But it's still just another holographic projection.

In the higher realms you have a desire to serve but you don't recognize you aren't truly serving from a heart centered space because most of your energy is going towards sustaining the illusion of your spiritual connection to the divine, to yourself.

Here you desire to know how special you are by using outside reference points, here you need others to reflect that to you, about you so you can sustain it.

It's a feedback loop.

This is where people develop a superiority, guru or savior complex, etc. From an energetic perspective it's just an imbalance of energy.

It's consciousness not experiencing itself directly through the midpoint.

"My kundalini awakening is what elevated me beyond the confines of the lower mind, but it propelled me too high, too fast, without grounding in the center. This is the pendulum swing effect.

I went into the experience of the spiritual mind, which encompasses concepts, ideas, downloads, and channeling.

But again, there was no true embodiment, and of course, I wasn't meant to stay on this side forever either. I was meant to have these contrasting experiences. And without this kundalini experience, I could not have transcended the lower realms.

The deeper you go, the harder it is to awaken, unless there is divine intervention, which is how most people awaken in this plane. It's usually through some form of divine intervention.

And since I purposely chose to go offline midway through my human experience, I definitely needed a divine intervention once my soul had gleaned all that it needed from those realms of experience.

Kundalini was the divine intervention to elevate my consciousness upward, and now, my series of tower moments that I am currently experiencing is another divine intervention.

This one is to guide me back to the energy center of the heart. Back home, back to myself, where I will now be able to fully embody the totality of who I am.

And who I am is pretty epic.

I can sense that it's going to be even more beautifully epic when my consciousness returns home and projects itself through the higher heart center.

In the heart center, I no longer need to seek external stimuli to feel something, to fulfill my needs. I no longer require constant external mirrors; I can now outsource that to the Universe.

I can now consciously co-create a more harmonious and synchronized reality.

This is where fun, play, lightheartedness, and all possibilities reside.

My sense of self here is strong, yet gentle. It's powerful yet modest.

I no longer believe or simply think; instead, I know.

No longer do I need external mirrors or validation to know myself.

From this space, you just BE.

In this realm, you operate within the energy of faith, trust, knowingness; the energy here is harmonious, it's a true symphony.

I needed these tower moments after tower moments to slow down. I ascended too high into the upper realms with no anchors. That alone is an experience in itself. This is where grace comes in.

So, as I make my way back towards my heart portal, I need to give myself some grace and compassion for the journey I am currently on.

Not to blame or guilt myself; as that only hinders my progress.

I am in process. Under construction. En route.

My journey has been intensely transformative, but throughout, I've had so much assistance. It's as if my Higher Self made these agreements that once I completed my experience in each realm, the divine within me would orchestrate the arrival of people, experiences, and situations necessary to propel me out of those realms.

G came into my life to act as a catalyst for me, to bring me back to center. He opened my heart just enough to now start the process of returning home.

But NO ONE can do it for me.

He initiated the process for me, and now I must complete it. He's on the other side of this energetically, which makes sense why currently we can't be in each other's reality.

I also now understand how a lot of the information I was receiving from the upper realms wasn't fully interpreted in the way it was intended.

I was obsessed with needing to LAND here. Because I discovered my trance medium channeling ability, I kept saying once I make it (energetically speaking) to the crown chakra, my higher self will fully land in my vessel. So I kept trying to travel up to connect, when in fact I needed to come down into the heart.

The energy needs to land in the heart so I can project my consciousness from there. That is why I've been purging so much from my heart center for the last 2 years. It's felt like a never-ending process, but it's been in preparation for this journey. Because even through the Kundalini awakening, all the metaphysical experiences and gifts that opened up, still, my heart chakra hasn't been fully opened.

I mean, I've experienced a lot on this journey of disconnection. I've collected a lot of heavy trauma along the way, but in order to return to center, to the heart, I must now be willing to face and feel it all. The whole journey and experience up to now. That means feeling into the not so pretty parts of my journey, those parts of me that showed up less than shiny. The losses I had to take along the way.

I now understand how one can easily become jaded through these experiences, how we build protective mechanisms around the heart to shield ourselves from having to face and feel what can at times feel unbearable, too much. But the time has come for the ice, the barriers of protection, to melt away.

I must now integrate it all so that I can actually align with my highest timeline reality. It's time to set into my headquarters, the command center, and command my reality from the HEART.

WOW thank you G! Truly from the bottom of my heart. You did your thing. I look forward to meeting myself anew, once more. In the loss of our connection, I will gather the gift that is there…

Blog Post Title One

It all begins with an idea. Maybe you want to launch a business. Maybe you want to turn a hobby into something more. Or maybe you have a creative project to share with the world. Whatever it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference.

Don’t worry about sounding professional. Sound like you. There are over 1.5 billion websites out there, but your story is what’s going to separate this one from the rest. If you read the words back and don’t hear your own voice in your head, that’s a good sign you still have more work to do.

Be clear, be confident and don’t overthink it. The beauty of your story is that it’s going to continue to evolve and your site can evolve with it. Your goal should be to make it feel right for right now. Later will take care of itself. It always does.

Blog Post Title Two

It all begins with an idea. Maybe you want to launch a business. Maybe you want to turn a hobby into something more. Or maybe you have a creative project to share with the world. Whatever it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference.

Don’t worry about sounding professional. Sound like you. There are over 1.5 billion websites out there, but your story is what’s going to separate this one from the rest. If you read the words back and don’t hear your own voice in your head, that’s a good sign you still have more work to do.

Be clear, be confident and don’t overthink it. The beauty of your story is that it’s going to continue to evolve and your site can evolve with it. Your goal should be to make it feel right for right now. Later will take care of itself. It always does.

Blog Post Title Three

It all begins with an idea. Maybe you want to launch a business. Maybe you want to turn a hobby into something more. Or maybe you have a creative project to share with the world. Whatever it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference.

Don’t worry about sounding professional. Sound like you. There are over 1.5 billion websites out there, but your story is what’s going to separate this one from the rest. If you read the words back and don’t hear your own voice in your head, that’s a good sign you still have more work to do.

Be clear, be confident and don’t overthink it. The beauty of your story is that it’s going to continue to evolve and your site can evolve with it. Your goal should be to make it feel right for right now. Later will take care of itself. It always does.

Blog Post Title Four

It all begins with an idea. Maybe you want to launch a business. Maybe you want to turn a hobby into something more. Or maybe you have a creative project to share with the world. Whatever it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference.

Don’t worry about sounding professional. Sound like you. There are over 1.5 billion websites out there, but your story is what’s going to separate this one from the rest. If you read the words back and don’t hear your own voice in your head, that’s a good sign you still have more work to do.

Be clear, be confident and don’t overthink it. The beauty of your story is that it’s going to continue to evolve and your site can evolve with it. Your goal should be to make it feel right for right now. Later will take care of itself. It always does.

On Letting Go of a Relationship

Directly from the pages of my journal - Written on December 2010

It’s been a long time since I’ve taken the time to sit, write, and think about my life and feel my feelings. I use to write much more often, and I don’t know why I’ve been so hesitant to write, maybe because I don’t want to face my feelings, the truth? In a way, I feel that in the last few years I’ve been moving through life so rapidly without much awareness or control.

I am currently sitting on an airplane, flying out of Italy and heading back to Miami. I spent a week in Italy with my mother, her boyfriend, and my best friend. The trip was enjoyable, it wasn’t what I expected it to be yet that is life. Nevertheless, I enjoyed spending time with my mother and not arguing with her for once and of course spending time with my best friend, who, even though we didn’t speak much about anything on this trip, I feel we are becoming more aligned and connected again. During this vacation, I am coming to the realization of something, and because of it, I’ve recognized that I may not want to admit this to myself and perhaps this is why I’ve been avoiding the pen and paper. I need time alone.

It’s been a long time since I’ve been alone almost so much that

I fear it, but I know that what one fears, one must face! Still, doubts fill my heart and mind leaving me cloudy and unsure of much. See about two in half years ago I was in a three in a half year relationship, that for many reasons did not work out. I am a person who is in love with love, and deep down I’ve always wanted to find the “perfect” person that’s just for me, one who I can share this journey with, especially when we live in a world where many of us are skeptics. Few people believe in real fulfilling long lasting love. Yet deep down I have always believed in it; so in a way I’ve been in search of it from an early age.

I met a guy when I was 18 that changed my world in a time when I really wasn’t searching. He was funny, witty, intelligent, charismatic, educated, a great writer and conversationalist. But he was emotionally underdeveloped. We got into a committed relationship after four months and moved in together after two in half years. Before moving in, we had a few on and off again breakups.

He was a great person, (I’m sure he still is) but at the time he was one who just had too much emotional baggage, which I didn’t realize right away. He was extremely intelligent and creative. (Book smart and well versed) Which is one of the main reasons I fell in love with him. We could speak about

anything and everything for hours. But during much of our relationship, he ended up spending countless of days and hours sitting in front of a computer playing video games. (And mind you, this is a guy who is seven years my senior)

I quickly found the relationship taking a significant shift from inspirational thoughts, conversations, creation, and activities. All the things that brought us together were becoming obsolete. I soon found myself always fighting for his attention, spending much of my time and energy nurturing him and trying to turn him into the person, the man, I knew deep down was him-that in the process I forgot about myself. Life happened, and certain situations arose that lead to our demise.

As much as I would like to blame it all on him, we both had our faults.

My fault was that I became too consumed by him, making him my world and forgetting about my own needs and dreams so much that I stopped growing or at least that is how it felt. I was no longer the person he had once met because my identity had become him.

Of course, he shared a great deal of fault as well, but I want to

focus on myself in this inner journal.

Being with him was a great experience, we had many ups and downs. Yet isn’t this what life’s about? It’s about experiencing, choosing, learning, growing so that we can blossom into the best version of ourselves?

After finally being able to walk away from that relationship, in which I once thought would never be possible to do, turned out to be the best thing I could have done for myself.

It gave me a little bit of myself back.

It put me on a different path, one that would start aligning me with my Higher Self again.

It gave me a career.

It opened new doors and avenues in which to meet new people.

It brought me the experience of taking a chance at 23 years old and moving to an entirely new city. And that allowed me the opportunity to begin making a name for myself (career

wise) and to realize that my gifts, talents, and potential cannot be wasted.

But with the same token, the relationship took a big part of me away. It extinguished my spark, the fire within me to conquer the world, my enthusiasm, and in a way my light- hearted spirit. In essence, I know it’s not gone, I have just lost sight of it.

Getting back to the story.

A few months before we broke up I discussed with him that I wanted to quit my HR job to focus on school and pursue my passion for marketing and psychology. Not that I wouldn’t work because I’ve been working since I was fourteen. I just wanted a few months off to focus more on school while trying to find a job within my desired field. After discussing it with him, we both agreed that it was a good choice for me to make. So I did just that, and I quit the job that was also sucking the life out of me. Little did I know that soon after I made that decision we would end our relationship and I would now find myself without a job and no way to keep up with the apartment payments. I found myself currently working two jobs to make ends meet, while having my apartment go into foreclosure, and in the process trying to save what was left of

myself.

Six months after our breakup I unexpectedly met someone new and when we met our eyes locked from a far distance.

The place that we were in was pretty dark, so I couldn’t seem him well enough to make him out physically. But I connected with his eyes; you know they say it is the window to our soul. We spoke that whole evening from afar just with our eyes, and I kid you not. Something about his soul called out to mine needless to say before the night ended as I was leaving he stopped me and asked me for my number. Shortly after our meeting, I became very intrigued by him. We would speak on the phone for hours and sooner rather than later we began hanging out every day, so much that we became inseparable. I found myself picking him up overnight around 6:00 am when I’d get off of work, and he’d stay at my place.

We quickly fell for each other, but if I am honest with myself, I can admit some of the reasons I fell for him. He truly is a beautiful soul, one of the most unique, loving, kind hearted- men I’ve ever met. He makes me laugh a lot. He gives me all his love and more. He is genuinely an amazing kind soul with many god given talents. But, I met him in a time in my life,

when I was down and out when my whole world was flipped upside down, and I was trying to keep my composure, sanity and working on not losing my positive outlook on life. Everything around what I knew as my life for so long now was gone- broken. All while trying to put the pieces of what was left of my life and self back together. And yet here I had already met someone else who now occupied my time, mind, and heart.

If I am truthful with myself; though writing this is quite painful. I was distracted from the real issues, which is focusing on healing, on finding and re-creating myself anew. Instead of discovering new aspects of myself and giving myself time alone to face my feelings really, I jumped into another relationship. I am not saying by any means that I don’t love him or that he is a rebound because I genuinely believe that he and I have a deep soul connection. We have an undeniable love and connection with one another. But I have to admit we might have moved too fast, after only four months of dating he moved with me from our hometown to another city because I got a job there. Up to now everything has been beautiful, I’ve genuinely been content and happy.

But recently I’ve had some new feelings arise, feelings of uncertainties. He is a wonderful person who I love so much

and see the potential of who he can become yet this is where my confusion comes into play ” Who he can become”.?!?

He has many talents, so many gifts that if he tuned into himself; he could develop into who he is meant to be. Yet there lies’ my problem. ( I have this gift you can say where I can see through people and see their true essence, the person who deep down they really are.) Though, I don’t know how wise it is of me to spend my energy on those who I don’t feel are really 100% committed to tapping into their full potential without me having to stop my life to help elevate them.

Is that indeed the best way to use my energy? Doesn’t that again take away from my self-growth, from focusing on my needs and own self-development?

Yet the other side of me says if you really LOVE someone you don’t give up on them! I am so confused?!?

My heart is torn apart.

Part of me feels I need to move on if a person isn’t truly committed to grow, progress and evolve themselves. The other part of me says I am selfish. How can I walk away from a man who loves me so much and is so nurturing to me? Who

makes me feel his love is unconditional. Who makes me laugh and who is genuinely a compassionate human being.

I am so lost, torn and conflicted.

Part of me doesn’t want to deal with all these feelings, which is why I guess I’ve stopped journaling because if I write it out then I have to be honest with myself and that means facing my true emotions.

So how do I figure out which part of me is right?

Walking away would mean I would have to live by myself. Not having anyone to come home to, anyone to make me laugh and cuddle with. Buddha (my dog) would be so lost and sad without his dad, the house would feel empty without him and I would feel lonely. That means letting go of someone who I really love and loves me. It means walking this path alone for a while with no one to share things with, who loves’, accepts and understands me.

That would mean breaking my heart and his? Breaking up a home, a family and leaving behind someone that I love for FEAR that they might hold me back?

What if I am wrong is that selfish?

To deal with the reality of not having him any more would be surreal, I don’t know if I want to feel all those emotions...

Though walking away may mean that I get to re-discover myself, to test my strength, to get in touch with my soul that I’ve been out of touch with for a while now. It means a chance to follow my life’s calling, to travel and explore the world on my own, to meet new people that may lead me to new experiences, new opportunities.

I am perplexed at this point...

To have spent these last two years making plans and talking about our future, love, marriage, kids. Yet, can I have the kind of future I desire with someone who is (10) years my senior and who has yet to touch the surface of knowing who he is? Having no direction of where he wants to go in life and who appears not to be taking the necessary action steps to change despite all the love, encouragement and resources I’ve offered and put at his disposal. When I’ve tried to speak to him in the past about these concerns, he always gives me an excuse as to why he CAN’T do something.

I love him with all my heart, I do, but I want an equal partner. I want someone who is excited about LIFE, who has goals, dreams, drive, and who goes after what they want in life without FEAR. I know that I cannot force change on him. That must come to him, in his own time, yet in the meantime that leaves me in limbo.

How can I chase my dreams, when the one I love is afraid to pursue his? If I continue to grow and he doesn’t catch up eventually without wanting to, I’ll leave him behind in a sense...

Follow the Story my next journal entry here: Metamorphosis